What Rubs my Ropes

Dear Pirate Log,

Do you know what really rubs my ropes? When people glorify ninjas. The truth is, ninjas are neither mammals, nor sweet, nor totally awesome, and they flip out and kill people. Wouldn't you rather be a pirate? We have many things to offer, like scurvy and RUM.

Remember kids, anytime you pretend you're a ninja, your mother dies.

I know where your mother lives,

Long John

Happy Day

Dear Pirate Log,

Today, on the way to the pub, I found a stray kitten and kicked it. It was totally awesome!

Long John

Blasphemy!

Dear Pirate Log,

It really ruffles my beard when pirates are portrayed negatively in the news. Why, just the other day I saw a skit of Saturday Night Live making a satire over my good friend Peter Saaarghsgaard. Check it out or I'll push you down to Davy Jones Locker.

Arrgh!

Long John Silver
(Formerly known as Long John Sil-vizzle in his Snoop Dogg days)

Ninjas Are the Worst

Dear Pirate Log,

Today I went down to the ole shipyard to retrieve my pet parrot, Fido. When I got there, a huge ninja jumped off one of the boats and tried to roundhouse kick me in the face. I narrowly escaped him by the hair of my beard. I was so scared, I nearly dropped anchor - if you know what I mean.

Shiver me Timbers,
Long John